Tears...

Recently Alida and I participated in a prayer event at our church, Lake Ave. The purpose of the event was to have someone from our church praying 24 hours a day for one week. When we arrived at the designated prayer location, we were escorted to the prayer room. I sat down in a rather uncomfortable looking chair and began looking around the room. As I did I couldn't help but notice that there were pictures and words all over the room which represented pain in one sort or another. Seeing this heartache all around me led me to prayer.

For several minutes I simply sat there and focused on my breathing in an effort to clear my mind. Then I recited the Jesus Prayer ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner") several times, trying to match the rhythm of the prayer with my breathing. Once I felt like I was aptly prepared, I began to pray silently for the hurting people whose faces and stories were literally surrounding me in the prayer room. I prayed for those suffering in the wars in Africa, for the fledgling Christians in Cambodia, for AIDS patients all over the world, and for the homeless in my neighborhood. After some time of intercession I sensed the need to write something down. The following poem was the result. (Please note that I am not claiming divine inspiration or anything like that here! This not-so-good poem was simply the overflow of my heart.)

Some tears fall in secret
Away from the spotlight, away from our care
We cannot see them but we entrust them to You

Some tears fall in the open
In our lines of sight, in our full knowledge
We see them and turn away, forgive us Lord

Let our hearts be afflicted by injustice
Let our wills be bent by suffering
Let our lives be guided to those in pain
Use us, move us, inspire us
And empower us to be your people

Trapeze Videos

I've been asked to upload my videos of my maiden voyage at trapezing last weekend. Here's a go, hope you enjoy...

Swinging and back flip dismount. This was my second time off the platform!

An attempted catch. I didn't get it, but I'll try for it again!

Letting Go

WOW!!! The past few weeks have been extremely stressful for Matt and I and I fear that some of that stress unintentionally came across in my last blog. My apologies for that. I figure that if people, especially those physically far from us but emotionally close to us, want to know what's going on I might as well be honest. It's a matter of being in a relationship, right? You get the good, the bad, and the stressed out!

Anyway, I am so thankful to God for our friends. What a blessing this weekend has been. Friday, we got to hang out with our very close friends Mike and Lisa. Saturday night we got to eat some very nobel attempts at Texas barbecue in California with our good friends Joe and Sarah and then Sarah and I got some girl time playing our version of Trivial Pursuit while the boys played video games. Today I got to go to a cute bridal shower after church and do several hours of work thereafter.

Saturday morning, though, was the most fun and really helped me with my stress and perspective. I got to go to trapeze class with my coworker and friend Jenn. I got to learn how to fly through the air with the greatest of ease, do a back flip dismount, and hang by my knees on the trapeze bar. All while flying 30 feet above the air with a net under me. The first run was exhilarating!! I was shaking as I got off the net. Each run after that got easier and easier. While I didn't master the timing to accomplish the trapeze catch, I did really well with everything else!! I'm proud of myself.

It reminds me of a Sex and the City episode in which Carrie is also trying to master the trapeze catch. She is having trouble doing so because she's having a hard time letting go of the bar. The entire episode is about her letting go of her fears and reservations in order to accomplish something new. This is what I thought as I was prepping myself to climb the very tall ladder each time. I've heard it said that fear is a lack of understanding, which is often true. The trapeze instructor this weekend also made a good point: Anything you are afraid of, someone else does it for a living. It was also helpful to remind myself that I may do something for a living that others are afraid of, which makes me kind of proud of myself.

While all the stress and frustrations of my current situation may not have dissipated, and while I cannot guarantee to myself that I will handle stress better in the future, I can remind myself that I have and can continue to accomplish some pretty cool things. I have to learn to let go of my hopes of appearing perfect or completely put together. I have to learn to let go of my expectations to do everything myself and realize that it's okay to ask for help. I have to let go of my dependence on myself and be reminded that I have family, friends, and a very loving God who long catch me and help me fly in a new way.

The Perils of Blogging

I’m not great at blogging. In fact, I right out stink at blogging. If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t blogged in the better part of 2 ½ months. Why, you ask? Well there are several reasons.

• I got a blog in an attempt to update others on our exciting life in Southern California and Matthew wanted a spot to possibly write devotionals. We are far away from many of our long-time friends and family and thought they may like to know what is going on. My thought was that just because we don’t have kids or or plan to in the next decade or have the capability to purchase a house in LA doesn’t mean that we don’t have stuff to share. While I completely realize that our lives are fun and we have lots to share, I realized that (1) people have better things to do than read about my life when they have theirs to live; (2) I don’t really have anything read-worthy. If I do, I can sum it up in just a few sentences rather than waste time on the home computer trying to find pictures to match the entry (I usually have more access to my work laptop, onto which I do not load pictures).
• I have an insanely busy lifestyle which makes it hard to get on the computer to write a blog that I don’t think many people will read. This is not a pity party, but it’s just what my mind experiences when I think about writing a blog. I realize that others are also busy, but a regular 8-5 job does help with attempts at blogging. If a reader is interested, I get up at 5 am , work out, get ready for work, sit in traffic for an hour, work from 8-7 (usually through my lunch hour as well), drive home and sit in traffic for an hour. Usually after work I have something else I need to do, such as attend Bible study (7:30- 9:00 pm); teach one of my parent education classes (7:00-10:30pm); or spend time with my husband. Lately, I’ve also had to do 3-4 hours of work at home after putting in my 10 hours at the clinic. Matt has a similiarly busy schedule, while it’s more flexible yet just as full. Am I complaining about this life we have chosen and been blessed with? Certainly not. I’m just frustrated that many of those around us don’t understand this life and rather think that I’m lazy and just a weenie blogger.
• What could I possibly have to say in a blog that others would find beneficial? My thought is that if people really want to know about my life or my thoughts, they will ask; it’s not my job to bore unwilling readers who may just stumble on my blog.
  
  Anyone who has gotten this far in this unraveling of ventation, is likely thinking that I’m the dullest, most frustrating blogger out there. When I created our blog profile, Matt told me that if I ever felt obligated to blog or that I HAD to do a blog, I needed to take a break and not blog for a while. He emphasized that blogging in not a chore, but something to be utilized to share and used as a community building experience. I love blogging, and I hope to be a better blogger, but this is because I like to think that I have enough to share with others that may be interesting or insightful. Again, I’m not throwing a pity party for myself, just venting to the entire web-based population about the stressors some of us bloggers feel.
  
  For those of you who are interested in the past 2 ½ months, here’s a rundown:
• 2/1/09: Achieved a personal record at the Surf City Half Marathon in Huntington Beach, CA
• 2/27-3/1/09: Traveled to Abilene, TX for Sigma Alpha Pledge Class 11 reunion. It was fabulous and I uncharacteristically did not take a single picture!
• 3/4-3/16/09: Matt took his 1 oral comprehensive exam and 4 written comprehensive exams in order to transition to the next stage of his doctoral program
• 3/22/09: Helped my friend Hai complete his first half marathon at the Pasadena Half Marathon. It was cold and rainy and we had a great time! Based on my experience in this run, I have decided to train for a full marathon in the fall.
• 3/27/09: I turned 29 years old. For my birthday, Matt found out that he passed all his comps and is now officially a doctoral candidate!! He will work on his dissertation proposal this quarter.
• 3/27-3/31/09: 3-day birthday cruise to Ensanada, Mexico. We had a great time and the weather was delightfully chilly!
• 4/5-4/12/09: Observed wonderful experiences for Holy Week. We kicked off Lent with Ash Wednesday and have been observing Lent since 2/25/09. It got to culminate with Holy Week in a great Maundy Thursday home service, which Matthew did a wonderful job; Good Friday service; a lovely Easter vigil on Saturday; participating in the 24-hour prayer room; a beautiful Easter service; and a lovely Easter brunch with friends. I love this experience of Holy Week rather than just observing Resurrection Sunday. I find that everything seems to have more meaning to me.
  
  And there you go. Not only are you caught up on the last 2 ½ months of the Barnes life, but you are also WAY more ingulfed in the thoughts of Alida than you thought possible. Blessings and peace, until the next time…